Hear Me (A Lonely Life)
I had a song in my head i wanted to write, but then i lost the words along the way, just like the many people i lost along lifes journey. This song played so clearly as i sat in the minibus thinking of my dreams.......clear.....so clear that i actually recited the lines twice...three times...with a soft rythm to compliment.
Oh how i loved that song, how i wanted to share it with the world but then again, reality struck me. Stigma associated with my disability has become such a norm....how could i ever get past them.... how could i ever get past it.
Can't they see my strengths? Will they understand my emotions? Will they feel my pain? Will they ever love me? Will they accept me? My brain starts to go into over drive and i get soooo paranoid, everyone is looking at me!! Everyone is talking about me......stop.....stop....just fucking stop! Why do they hate me?......I hear myself screaming, i feel my arms shaking, im trembling....im begging them to stop.
I need to get away from all of them....i need it to stop. Im home now and im alone. Im still afraid, i feel these people are plotting against me. Why me? I am just me.....im a nobody!!
I slowly creep out of the world, i feel my breathing subside.....my body relax.....my pain in my temples slowly diminishes. Im finally at peace.......im alone.
WAIT, this cant be!! They are even in my dreams. Why won't they leave me alone? WHY????........tears start streaming down my face as i toss and turn. Im awake.....so sudden.....im screaming, cold sweat trickles down my spine.....im feeling low....im sinking.
I've made up my mind....Im going to get help!! This is final.
I open the door and there they are...they have all assembled. Im screaming and my family is running up to me. The words are out of their mouth....."This is it psycho"......"We had enough"........"Enough of what" im asking....No more words.....Just silence........ungodly silence!
Its afew minutes now, there is a knock at the door......omg, who is in trouble? Its the Police....but they grabbing me...what did i do?...they shove me and i punch back. They have no right to touch me......tears flow as i see my family just standing there.....watching.....they snigger like they don't care!! The police slam me in the back seat and away we drive into the night....oh Lord help me. We are at Saint Giles Hospital.....what is wrong with me?
This is their master plan.....ouch....someone stabs me.......im getting drowsy.........im feeling weak......
Im awake now....im in a cage! I have become an animal overnight. Nurses sneering at me....pointing fingers at me....oh what an animal i have become.....tears dont seem to stop.......who am i? What am i?
Six weeks now......no one visits.....my family?...my friends?.....have i been forgotten? I am a nobody........
Today is a good day
I am me
I am human
I have emotions
I have dreams
I am slowly accepting my illness
I have taken ownership of my life and i am better
I need to find a job, oh how i wish i was a manager
Imagine the life.......
I am studying.
But people don't seem to see that.
they call me mad and ulukau and lialia and pagla.
Why don't they see my skills and my amazing strengths....im a hard working man..... boy how i wanna show them my talents....boy even Bruce lee would be so proud to call me his friend.
I am feeling......well each day is different. The people i meet and the people around make make me feel the way i do each day.
How will you make me feel?
